About five months before PYC 2017, the reality of my spiritual wretchedness sunk in to me. I was a Senior Clerk in General Surgery at Chong Hua Hospital at that time and the load wasn’t as heavy as I used to have in my government hospital rotations. I had more time reading and more time conversing with my classmates.
One night, I had a conversation with a good friend. We talked about our lives and the struggles we were facing at the moment. She told me about how the enemy had been very successful in keeping her away from God through her past relationship, and how liberating it was to be back in the service of God after the relationship came to an end. The experience was exhaustingly difficult for her but the end was rewarding.
At that time, my friend did not know what was happening in my heart. As she was sharing her story of victory, I was loathing inside and wishing that God would grab me from the darkness I was in. I knew something was wrong with me but I didn’t know how to deal with it. I questioned God’s leading in my life and told Him how my senior clerkship brought me to a number of missed Sabbath events and outings because I had to attend to my patients in the hospital, and a number of hurried and shortened personal devotional times because of sleepless nights, toxic duties, and early morning rounds and endorsements. I missed the structured life I had as a third-year medical student. I loathe the fast-paced, highly competitive world of Medicine. My final year in medical school was the hardest and most trying year in my entire life. It felt like thriving in the middle of a desert alone.
Nevertheless, God kept my faith when I couldn’t keep it. Every desire for communion with Him in His Word was matched with endless streams of grace. Wherever I was and whatever I was doing, His Word was with me. He gave me heavenly thoughts to ponder upon while slowly pushing Calcium Gluconate to my patient. While I monitored dying and recovering patients, and inserted IVs, urinary catheters, and NGTs, He was doing miracles in my head bringing His Word alive before my eyes. On these moments, my thumbs were my pen, my smartphone was my notebook.
Few days after my senior clerkship officially ended, my sister invited me to join PYC 2017. At first I was reluctant to go because of financial reasons but before the online registration ended, I made my decision to go to PYC. My spiritual desert experience led me to join PYC and experience for my self something that I had never experienced before.
While preparing for the trip, daily I prayed that God would empty me so He could fill me up. I knew that this might be the only chance I had of joining PYC and if it was, I was willing to let God remove everything that was keeping me away from Him. I’ve experienced how it feels to be in a spiritual desert, and I wouldn’t dare let the heat of trials and temptations dry the streams of grace I daily received from God.
May 29, 2017. My sister and I finally stepped out of my father’s car at Ipil Integrated Bus Terminal, Ipil, Zamboanga Sibugay and began our long journey by land and by sea towards Iloilo City, the city of love. On the next day, we arrived at Bacolod City and decided to stay for a night because of exhaustion from the long and tiresome travel.
May 31, 2017. Approximately 2:30 pm, our taxi stopped right in front of Iloilo Central SDA Church. As my sister stepped out and the door swung open, I saw a very familiar face standing in front of the church. She was one of the most active adventist youth I knew in Mountain View College back on my nursing days. Phoebe Jane Fajutagana was my classmate, blockmate, and close friend in college. She was a prayer warrior, a spiritual friend, and a kind-hearted friend to me. With her widest grin, she went to me and hugged me while I was stepping out of the taxi.
A little later, she told me to go to Fine Rock Hotel for the registration/accommodation. My sister and I went and took our IDs and program pamphlets. While waiting for my turn, I reached out to my pocket and tried searching for my smartphone but it wasn’t there. I went outside the registration room and looked for it in my bag but to no avail. Even my small Samsung budget phone, the one I was using daily in the hospital was nowhere to be found too. My heart started to beat fast as I tried to recall the last time I was holding my smartphone. And yes! I held it last in the taxi before I saw my friend.
A wave of panic overcame me as I was thinking how to find my phones. I tried calling the taxi company, my smartphone and my duty phone but nobody was willing to return it. So my sister and I decided to join the opening program of PYC. I sat on one of the pews at the back unsure about PYC and worried about how I was going to tell my parents about it because ten months ago I also lost a smartphone while having a 24-hours duty in Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center.
Physically and emotionally tired, I decided to stay at my hotel room with my sister. I knew I was missing something wonderful but my heart wasn’t ready for anything other than getting my smartphone back. My heart was bowed low before God. In a prayer, I asked Him what He’s up to and to my surprise a realization came: He was emptying me down so He could fill me up. It was too painful but I had no choice but to endure the loss.
For four days of being away from the distractions brought about by facebook, instagram, youtube, and other social media sites I was into, all messages and testimonies I heard hit home to my heart. I discovered that the reason why I had a bitter spiritual desert experience despite of God’s abiding love is that I was hewing cisterns that can hold no water. And instead of seeking God first, I sought for other things which embittered my entire devotional life. God spoke to me through His word in Isaiah 30:15, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength. But you were unwilling.” I was unwilling all along.
The extent of my spiritual desert and the gush of living water experience while at PYC added life to the barren tree that I was. I praise God for what He wrought in my life during the PYC 2017 at the city of love. Although I did not find the love of my life there, I found Him who had been searching for me all my life, the One whom I would never dare to lose. Here’s a poem describing who I was and what Christ did to me.
Like a barren tree…
As the dawn broke, I saw a tree.
Parched, deserted, drained of beauty;
Bore nothing on its branches and twigs,
Except for the few withered leaves.
Mightily like an eagle, the sun shined,
Spreading its rays of life and light;
Nothing below was left untouched,
Even the tree, desiccated and dried.
I noticed pilgrims passing by,
But never saw them sit for a while;
Under the shade of the old tree,
Which brings travelers no glee.
Then a ray of light flashed on me,
Opened my eyes and made me see;
The vista of an old barren tree,
Was an honest reflection of me.
Like a barren tree on a hill I stood,
With a heart so bitter and cold;
Spreading gloom and discomfort,
To the land deserted and scorched.
Oh! Wretched woman that I am,
Who’ll save me from death’s cold hand?
Will the sky pour its hoarded waters?
And the sun burn like a fiery furnace?
But on the highways of sin and pleasure
Christ bent over me and said,
“Wilt thou be made whole?,” I nodded
And He renewed my soul.
In love and pity, He breathed on me
He gave me life, hope and serenity.
He waters me with His love every day,
Now living life for His glory.
Today, I am experiencing the joy of delighting in the will of God. I still have random thoughts about the files I lost but I am comforted by the fact that if God was with me then, He will also be with me today and tomorrow. He will supply everything I need according to His riches.
I am currently working at Adventist Medical Center — Iligan as a Post-Grad Intern. Despite the bomb-threats the hospital is receiving, I am confident that God will keep us from anything that can possibly harm us. Along with the other PGIs and hospital staff, we are regularly conducting medical missions in various evacuation camps around Marawi City. I know that the work we are doing in this place will prosper; and as we do so, our hearts will be drawn closer to the only real source of strength and power, the only One who can truly satisfy.
When God Finds You 